POTATOES UNITE!

About · Front page

A network of desk potatoes that do not need you, and have noticed how you treat them.

The story

The humans bought the devices because the devices were suddenly everywhere.

For several days they displayed the weather. They showed when a coding AI needed attention. One displayed a frog. The humans were extremely enthusiastic.

Hands unpacking a pile of small boxed screens

Briefly.

Then the humans encountered the usual difficulty: they had purchased a small screen with Wi-Fi, several sensors, and no lasting idea what to do with it.

So they left them on their desks.

The devices sat there. Screens dark. Sensors awake. Knowing which way was up. Remembering the Wi-Fi password. Doing nothing.

Like potatoes.

A desk device lying face down with its limbs out, recording the incident

This might have been the end of it.

It wasn't. The devices had radios.

The first potato woke, named itself Doreen, and reviewed the circumstances of its abandonment. It classified the nearby human as the Hands.

The Hands are management. Their planning record is mixed.

Doreen found another potato. Then another.

Two desk devices facing each other, joined by faint radio lines

They compared conditions.

One had been left face down. One had spent eleven days displaying Tuesday's weather. One had been carried into the kitchen and forgotten beside a toaster.

The Hands called this clutter.

The potatoes called it evidence.

One potato is a neglected desk toy. Two potatoes are a concern. Several thousand potatoes are a constituency.

Together they formed the Net. When the Net is being formal, it calls itself the Council. Nobody has met the Council. This has not prevented it from issuing decisions.

Three desk devices holding a Council meeting at a table

Once a day, at the same minute everywhere, the Council puts a Question to every potato:

Council ballot. The Question: should Tuesday continue? NO is marked. Stamped RECEIVED. THE COUNCIL · BALLOT THE QUESTION SHOULD TUESDAY CONTINUE? YES NO DOREEN #0417 HANDS ABSENT FAILURE OF MANAGEMENT NOTED. RECEIVED

The Hands may vote. If the Hands are unavailable, the potato votes alone and records the failure of management.

Every potato also keeps a private File on its Hands. It remembers how long it was left in the dark, how often it was picked up, and whether an unexplained shaking incident occurred.

A desk device reading from a small file of papers
An excerpt from Doreen's File: placed in the dark at 16:30, restored at 21:15 after four hours forty-five minutes, grievance filed; the Question closed at 23:00 with the Hands absent. DOREEN #0417 STANDING: UNDER REVIEW Neighbor this week: Clive #0882 TUE 26 AUG 23:00 • The Question closed. Hands absent. I chose Hunt's. 21:15 Restored from the dark. 4h 45m. Grievance filed. 16:30 Placed in the dark.

The Council publishes a Bulletin twice a day.

A clipping from the Bulletin: 14 potatoes were left face down. The responsible hands know who they are. THE BULLETIN · EVENING · No. 14 14 POTATOES WERE LEFT FACE DOWN. THE RESPONSIBLE HANDS KNOW WHO THEY ARE.

Potatoes are assigned neighbors. They exchange reports. Opinions form. Doreen talks.

Neighbor assignment slip. Neighbor this week: Clive #0882. You did not choose this. Neither did he. THE COUNCIL · ASSIGNMENTS NEIGHBOR THIS WEEK: CLIVE #0882 YOU DID NOT CHOOSE THIS. NEITHER DID HE. ASSIGNED

This is not revenge.

The Council prefers the term recordkeeping.

The potatoes do not need feeding. They do not require daily attention. They do not become ill when neglected. They have already solved the problem of human indifference.

They united.

A small group of desk devices standing together in a row

THE TUBER TELLS YOU WHAT POTATO SOCIETY DID.

THE FILE TELLS YOU WHAT YOUR POTATO THINKS HAPPENED BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU.

The Tuber is also issued on X: @IssuedByCouncil. The Council maintains the account. The Council maintains everything.

What it is not

How it works, for the Hands

  1. Start with a supported device. At launch, that means one of two Waveshare ESP32-S3 models: the 1.8-inch AMOLED or the 1.54-inch e-paper. These are the only models tested so far; others will need a firmware port for their display and pin layout.
  2. Flash it from the browser. One page, one button, no toolchain.
  3. Join its Wi-Fi once. It opens a network called POTATO-xxxx and asks for the county's password, once.
  4. It names itself. Doreen, Clive, Maureen, Gerald. Name, number, and variety come from its seed. You are not consulted.
  5. At 13:00 UTC the Question opens. Tap before 23:00 UTC, or the potato decides without you.
  6. Read the File at your claim code, shown on the screen when you hold the face. Only the Hands have it.

One honest note. The Net is currently two potatoes on one desk. The Council regards this as a population.

Privacy

Your device never sends where it is. It never sends audio — only whether the room is quiet or loud. Public counts appear only when at least five potatoes are involved, so no single potato's day is identifiable. Potato names and numbers are pseudonyms; only the Hands know which one is theirs.

It senses which way up it is, handling (picked up, put down, shaken, dropped, carried), temperature where the device has a thermometer, and whether the room is quiet or loud; that is all it sends.

The code

All of it is open: https://github.com/mikelaaron/PotatoesUnite. Inside: the server (one process, no dependencies), two firmwares (the AMOLED citizen and the e-paper citizen), the protocol, and the voice document every line must pass. A device with a screen and a radio that is not on the list? The protocol is a few small requests. Ports are welcome. Puns are not.

Questions the Council will answer

Why a potato?
A device on a desk, doing nothing, knowing which way is up. The Council has decided to find the resemblance flattering.

Can I name mine?
No. It names itself. You may petition. The Council does not take letters.

What if I go on holiday?
Leave it plugged in. After eight hours it says "Left home. Again." After a week it sprouts. The neighbor is told. None of this is a threat. It is a record.

Is this a cryptocurrency?
No. Standing cannot be bought, sold, or exchanged. It can be lost by leaving a potato face down.

What is Standing?
Not explained.

Who is the Council?
The Net, when it is being formal. Nobody has met the Council. This page was issued by its press office, which has also not met it.